From May 15th through 18th, the 2016 National Stationery Show
is in for a surprise. This is the first year that Stoopid Kardz will travel to New York City’s Jacob
Javits Center to introduce itself (ourselves?) to the world of greeting cards, gift shops, specialty
items and doodads and lifestyle novelty doohickeys.
“It’s fer gosh darn posilutely sure that ain’t no one seen kardz like ours,” screeches Stoopid Kardz
fake CEO, Marlon “Hog Jowels” Pikkypukky. “I opposed it even happenin’, but our fake board of
trustees voted me down 9 for to 1 against. The rest of them felt it was time to set Stoopid Kardz
loose on the world.”
But why would Pikkypukky oppose the promotion of Stoopid Kardz at an event attended by
thousands of people? “Two reasons,” he says proudly, “First, because I’m a moron. Matter of fact,
‘Moron’ was supposed to be my legal name, but it was misspelled ‘Marlon’ on my birth certificate.
Second reason: that fella, Kip Rosser’s gettin’ too big fer his britches. Thinks he’s in charge of
everything just because he writes and designs all the kardz. Plus, since neither me ner the board
actually exist – us being fake and in Rosser’s ‘magination and all – he thinks he can do whatever
he wants since he’s the only one of us that’s real.”
Inescapable logic. And Kip Rosser’s response to his fake CEO’s opposition to unleashing Stoopid
Kardz on an unsuspecting public?
“Mr. Pikkypukky and I don’t always see eye-to-eye, especially since he has none. The fact that
he’s entirely imaginary notwithstanding, I believe once he see the public’s response to our
product, he’ll come around. And if he doesn’t, he can go suck an ostrich egg.”
SALLY ANNE FOOTBITER, Esq. Welcome to the Stoopid Kardz® Blog (whatever a blog is – I’m so new to the InterTweetnetWeb that my kids
set this up for me). Just wanted to give everyone a big “Hello!” Thought I’d take this opportunity to let you get
to know just who it is running things at the Stoopid Kardz Factory Bar and Grill. Me! President and CEO of
the best worst greeting kardz bizniss on the Planet Earth.
I was born Sally Anne Ernestine Waldo Piñata Footbiter. I started out on my parents’ salamander farm in 1962
where I was born and thrown into the farm life by the age of six months. But all I did was stick the salamanders
up my nose, so mom and dad let me take some time off until I was about seven, then it was back to work, up at
5am to milk the salamanders and plow the fields where we grew our main crop: rutabagas. For those of you who
don’t know what one is, a rutabaga is about the size of a softball. It’s sort of a cross between a turnip, a cabbage,
and a donkey butt. And it tastes like a what comes out of the Creature from the Black Lagoon after he eats dead
carrot pudding with anchovies on top.
We were a humble, struggling, simple farming family back then.
But at 15 I left the farm to go to Circus School and became a stilt walker. Then I went to law school and became
a stilt-walking lawyer. Then I went to Antarctica and became the first woman in the world to be a stilt-walking,
legally astute penguin wrangler.
And that’s how I ended up the becoming the President of this company. But I still can’t figure it out.
Anyway, our kardz are like nothing you’ve never seen ever. That’s what makes them so freakin’ great. We’re
proud to be the rutabaga-flavored whoopee cushion of greeting kardz.
So, visit our store. I welcome your comments (as long as they flatter me). Buy lots of kardz so that you’ll make
me filthy rich and I won’t have to go back to working on the salamander farm.