Not About Us

WORLD’S OLDEST GREETING CARD
PREDATES 20,000 YEAR-OLD CAVE PAINTINGS

rocksplash

Southern France is the site of the legendary Chauvet Cave, home to what, until recently, were
thought to be the world’s oldest cave paintings. In May of 2016, a stunning discovery was made
in the same region when an international team of archaeologists, geologists, biologists,
physicists, psychiatrists, podiatrists, urologists, gastroenterologists, gynecologists, and
dog groomers discovered a stunning artifact now believed to predate the stunning cave paintings
by 10,000 years or more.
 
Team leader, Jacqueeze Coup D’ongle was stunned by the find. “I was stunned,” he said stunnededly.
“Yes, we were all stunned,” said the entire team, in a state of obvious stunitude.
 
Dog Groomer, Grumio del Delicioso was the one who actually made the stunning find. “We were all
sniffing, sniffing along the rock wall. This is how we detect drafts from potential cave entrances,
by smelling the stinky zephyrs emanating from deep inside the earth. So, there I am sniffing
sniffing sniffing and I see the stunning artifact at my feet.”
 
Delicioso holds out a stunning object about the size of a softball. “to the untrained eye, it
resembles an ordinary rock. However, after careful study, we have determined that this area of
discolored fossilified pigment is, in fact, what is left of a stunning personal birthday message
from one primitive human to another.”
 
While causing an elated uproar in some circles, the stunning discovery has also met with significant
skepticism. The most vocal of the stunning artifact’s detractors is the world’s leading expert on
primitive cultures, cave art and primitive tools, archaeologist and cantelope aficionado, Dr. Lisé
Parakeetoline Mimeo. In a statement to the press she has denounced the find in no uncertain terms.
“Coup D’Ongle and his whole team are a stunning disgrace. The supposed artifact that Mr Delicioso
picked up off the ground is a frikkin’ rock with a little bird poop on it. Period, end of stunning
story.”
 
Further analysis has confirmed Dr. Mimeo’s assessment. Yup. Just a stoopid rock with bird poop. Oh,
well, too bad. These days, all the news media are reporting crap stories that have nothing to do with
facts. Works for us, too.
 
Janus Hoopla
Star Reporter
WART Radio

 
 

REGARDING PORCUPINES AND GREETING KARDZ
If you try give a greeting kard to a porcupine, no matter how generous and pure your intentions, it will
not like you to do so. We found this out the hard way.

 
 

RECYCLED OATMEAL PROMISES TO REVOLUTIONIZE THE PAPER INDUSTRY
You’ve probably done this: not finished your oatmeal like a good little girl or boy. Shame on you – but
maybe not for long. All of us want to help the environment, right. We recycle glass and paper and plastics,
computer components and underpants and torn sombreros and toenail clippings, right? So why not that blob
of oatmeal you didn’t eat that if you let it sit turns into, like, cement, and it won’t even come off in
the dishwasher.
 
Enter Super CrabCrease Industries, Inc. They’ve just announced that all oatmealy-minded people can give
them their blobs. Super CrabCrease will accept it all and turn it into actual paper!
 
All sorts of businesses that depend upon paper for their products – packaging, magazines, newspapers,
wrapping papers, toilet paper, greeting kardz – all these and more will soon have a new supplies of
blobby, oatmeal-based paper.
 
Super CrabCrease President and origami accordion afficionado, Hector Jimineydink is so ecstatic over this new
enterprise that his brain had an accident in its pants. “WOW! Think of it! WOW!! Paper that can be made
without killing trees or bugs or whales or anything! WOW!! And when you’re finished reading your letter or
newspaper, it’s great with some sliced bananas or raisins. WOW!! You just roll it up like a giant doobie and eat it.
Frikkin’ QUADRUPLE WOW!!” he stated, thoughtfully.
 
For all who want to participate, simply stuff your uneaten oatmeal blobs into an envelope and mail to:
 
Bob Motorface
Vice Blob Chairperson (no lie, he actually IS part chair!)
Super CrabCrease Industries, Inc.
The Shed Out Back
440 North Southeast Western Avenue
Carcassville, Wisconsin, 12121212121221212121212

 
 

A KOZMIK KARDZ FAN HAS REACHED OUT TO US
Here at Stoopid Kardz, we welcome all comments from our customers and fans. After all, without you
we’d probably be working in landfill and sewage treatment jobs. Here is a letter we received just
a few days ago. We have printed it, unedited, below:

 

Dear Mr. Stoopid Kardz, Sir
I am moved deeply by your Kozmik Kardz. Finally, I say, a card company with something large on
its mind. I believe we can be beneficially mutual to one another. For I am poet of verse, and I
sense a deep kinship between the likes of us. Please consider me for a possible position as one
of your poets of writing cards of cosmic import. I submit this one for free, at no cost, and perhaps
you will divine the merit of what I state. I can be reached at [email address witheld by request]
for your kind considerations. Thank you, and I hope to hear from you in order to reach an equifiable
financial arrangement of $50 per poem for each one you deem as selectable for your Kozmik Kardz. Thank
you for your timely kind. Of time. Thank you.
Sincerefully,

Gregory Hipfishery

 

P.S. Here is my first truly Kozmik poem entry for your peruse…

Krabbykoo

In a sense
my innocence
is always incensed.
‘Tis incalculable in cents or dollars.
Incense and meditation calm me,
like the peaceful crab,
calmly sidles sideways, wise
in wise ways.

 

Crabs? Wise?
“Where do you get that hooey?”
my friends poo-poo the notion.
And I, in the moment’s sense,
refer them to the ocean:
“Look to the Crab, the Nebula,
the Neptunal vibes,” I cry.

 

They pin me down on the shore,
throw sand down my pants

 

and leave me

 

to

 

my

 

thoughts.

 

of

 

crabs.

 

I hate crabs.

 

From the Folks At Stoopid Kardz: Dear Mr. Fish Lips — Your poem(s) are not right for us at this time
because it(they) is(are) far too good for one of our kardz. Sorry, but to be terse: your genius at verse is
your curse. We wish you well and in the future, leave us alone. Get lost.