Archive for the ‘Official Posts’ Category

Nostradamus Was Right!

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Talk about destiny! Here we are in the Year of the Frog Lips and BAM!! — Stoopid Kardz
are now officially a part of the Cosmic Plan – if you buy into all the Nostradamus baloney.
Which we don’t. But, hey, if it sells some kardz, “We always knew Nostradamus was right!”

Stoopid Kardz
Goes Green!

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greenkard
Yup. We’re going totally green! Hey, we’re as green as the next guy! Here it
is. Our totally green Stoopid Kard for all occasions. Just green. Blank inside.
Only $99.95 (for the envelope – the kard will set you back another $99.95)
Coming in 2025. And remember, Stopid Kardz are ALWAYS Made in the
USA from 100% stuff.

Stoopid Kardz
Welcomes You!

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Any time a new web page goes up or you get to a landing page, it always says, “Welcome To…
(fill in the thing of your choice). We didn’t want to do that because we think it’s a big
fat cliché. “Welcome to this, welcome to that,” shut up already. But our marketing pros
insisted on it. What we wanted to say was:
 
Stoopid Kardz® – In Your Face! (In a good way.)
 
Either way, here we are! Move over, wimpy, normal cards. “Kardz” are born. The “K” is for
“krap” and the “Z” is for “zebra” (What else? Didn’t you have alphabet books when you
were a kid? “Z” is always for Zebra) That’s what makes Stoopid Kardz® different (Zebras?…
wait…never mind).
 
So, then we came up with another FANTASTIC one! Our tagline was going to be:
 
“Stoopid Kardz® — Even Our Moms Think They Suck!”
 
But the marketing pros (Nancy, Geoffrey, Mary, Larry and Fern) advised (strongly) against
it. We said, “Oh, you wanna throw down, Bro? You think you marketing geeks can come up
with something better, you marketing monkey-brains?” and they were like, “Uh..yeah! That’s
what you hired us for, duh-h-h. So let us do our frikkin’ jobs!”
 
So we did. And they came up with something way better:
 
“ Stoopid Kardz® — quite possibly the rudest, most outrageous, tasteless and
gloriously inappropriate greeting cards on the planet.”
 
Then we fired them for being such know-it-all a-holes. But their tagline rings true – just take a
look at the 60-second video to see how people (the ones that gave us permission to show them
on camera; all you others can get bent) react to a Stoopid Kard when they seem’ em for the
first time.
 
Visit the web site at www.stoopidkardz.com to see them all!
There’s no cliché welcome thing there.

Hey, you! Yeah, YOU!!

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chicken

Stoopid Kardz ain’t afraid to get a little confrontational now and then, see?
Yeah, confrontational, see? We’re hittin’ the festivals and flea markets, see?
And all you mugs are laughin’ yerselves silly over the kardz, see? And then
comes the kicker – some of youse are sproutin’ feathers and scratchin’ yer beaks
in the dirt, makin’ with the cluckin’ sounds. Some of youse are chickenin’
out! Hey…what the…hey? What’re the kardz, too politically incorrect? Cluck
that! Ain’t nothin’ political about Stoopid Kardz. They’re just STOOPID!
Hey, to give someone a Stoopid Kard takes guts, see? It takes moxie and plenty
of it. Yer friends’ll thank you for a Stoopid Kard because finally – they got
a friend who’s got major Cajones who gives ‘em a kard with major “Ka-Joneys.”
So grow some “Ko-honeeze” yerself and give all the special someones in yer life
Stoopid Kardz for every occasion – before YOU sprout feathers and start
layin’ eggs!

“Mascot” Schmascot!!
Stoopy Bites the Dust

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We just found out that stoats are a kind of weasel. And we also found out
that everybody pretty much hates weasels. They really frikkin’ skeeve people
out. Plus, we just tried to train one, you know, for a cute video – and we
found out the hard way that stoats are really un-hygienic and they leave
their poops all over the place and they make a huge mess when they feed
because their technique is to leap on their prey (birds, rabbits, mice, moles,
reptiles) and bite through the backs of their skulls! (Okay, that last part
is kind of cool but it’s not the kind of thing you can let some guy in a
stoat mascot suit do during public appearances).

PsychoStoopy

So, scrap the dang stoat. Our mascot search continues…

The Holidays Is Here! Tell
Your Loved Ones: “Bite Me!”

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What…? You getting ready to send out those clichéd reindeer-in-the-manger-holly-berry-pine-tree-
glitter-covered-candy-cane-silver bells-snowflakey-type cards again this year? C’mon, really?
CLICK HERE AND GIVE KARDZ LIKE THEY’VE NEVER SEEN!
biteme_promo

Cats Love Stoopid Kardz!

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georgelooks

 

What the heck is it about cats? Hey, everybody else has cute cat videos that gert a zillion views…
why not us? So, here’s some cute and cuddly cats reading Stoopid Kardz. Do they laugh? You bet!
(Studies prove that cats laugh their butts off, but on the inside.)

Stoopid Kardz CEO
Announces New Products

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Yolanda

On June 29, 2016, Yolanda Gweezo, visionary CEO of Stoopid Kardz, unveiled what is perhaps
the company’s most innovative line of greeting cards to date:

 

Online Kozmik Kardz

 

“This heralds a new era for the kardz industry,” Gweezo snarls. “Kardz deal with life’s occasions,
both trivial and milestoney, but what about the big issues? In the scheme of things we are like
ants scurrying around, while the Universe fries us with a magnifying glass. It’s time to share kardz
that demonstrate humanity’s awareness of its desire to define its role in the Kozmos.”

 

Having finished her profound statement, Gweezo breathes a deep sigh. She rises from her chair
and walks across her office to sit on the floor in a corner of the room, facing the wall. The interview
is over. Stoopid Kardz’z’s matriarch has spoken. And the world of greeting cards is charged forever.

 

Online Kozmik Kardz will be available online, free of charge until further notice. They are free
because we haven’t been able to get Yolanda Gweezo determine the price point, brush her teeth,
or get her out of the corner for days.

 

So, here, for our fans is the first Kozmik Kard. Kenny Dillbeak in our research department informs us
that the short verse on this kard dates back to Japan’s Asuka Period, having been written specifically
for the Emperor Kimmei around AD 541.

 
haikoo

 

Download the Free Super Mega Deluxe PDF Version!
Just Click Here.

People See Stoopid Kardz
for the First Time!

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Stoopid Kardz have been unleashed on an unsuspecting public! What will the reaction be?
(ooh, the suspense is making us hop from foot to foot like three year-olds).

From Our Founder

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FootbiterSALLY ANNE FOOTBITER, Esq.
Welcome to the Stoopid Kardz® Blog (whatever a blog is – I’m so new to the InterTweetnetWeb that my kids
set this up for me). Just wanted to give everyone a big “Hello!” Thought I’d take this opportunity to let you get
to know just who it is running things at the Stoopid Kardz Factory Bar and Grill. Me! President and CEO of
the best worst greeting kardz bizniss on the Planet Earth.

I was born Sally Anne Ernestine Waldo Piñata Footbiter. I started out on my parents’ salamander farm in 1962
where I was born and thrown into the farm life by the age of six months. But all I did was stick the salamanders
up my nose, so mom and dad let me take some time off until I was about seven, then it was back to work, up at
5am to milk the salamanders and plow the fields where we grew our main crop: rutabagas. For those of you who
don’t know what one is, a rutabaga is about the size of a softball. It’s sort of a cross between a turnip, a cabbage,
and a donkey butt. And it tastes like a what comes out of the Creature from the Black Lagoon after he eats dead
carrot pudding with anchovies on top.

We were a humble, struggling, simple farming family back then.

But at 15 I left the farm to go to Circus School and became a stilt walker. Then I went to law school and became
a stilt-walking lawyer. Then I went to Antarctica and became the first woman in the world to be a stilt-walking,
legally astute penguin wrangler.

And that’s how I ended up the becoming the President of this company. But I still can’t figure it out.

Anyway, our kardz are like nothing you’ve never seen ever. That’s what makes them so freakin’ great. We’re
proud to be the rutabaga-flavored whoopee cushion of greeting kardz.

So, visit our store. I welcome your comments (as long as they flatter me). Buy lots of kardz so that you’ll make
me filthy rich and I won’t have to go back to working on the salamander farm.

I thank you.