Talk about destiny! Here we are in the Year of the Frog Lips and BAM!! — Stoopid Kardz
are now officially a part of the Cosmic Plan – if you buy into all the Nostradamus baloney.
Which we don’t. But, hey, if it sells some kardz, “We always knew Nostradamus was right!”
Yup. We’re going totally green! Hey, we’re as green as the next guy! Here it
is. Our totally green Stoopid Kard for all occasions. Just green. Blank inside.
Only $99.95 (for the envelope – the kard will set you back another $99.95)
Coming in 2025. And remember, Stopid Kardz are ALWAYS Made in the
USA from 100% stuff.
Any time a new web page goes up or you get to a landing page, it always says, “Welcome To… (fill in the thing of your choice). We didn’t want to do that because we think it’s a big
fat cliché. “Welcome to this, welcome to that,” shut up already. But our marketing pros
insisted on it. What we wanted to say was:
Stoopid Kardz® – In Your Face! (In a good way.)
Either way, here we are! Move over, wimpy, normal cards. “Kardz” are born. The “K” is for
“krap” and the “Z” is for “zebra” (What else? Didn’t you have alphabet books when you
were a kid? “Z” is always for Zebra) That’s what makes Stoopid Kardz® different (Zebras?… wait…never mind).
So, then we came up with another FANTASTIC one! Our tagline was going to be:
“Stoopid Kardz® — Even Our Moms Think They Suck!”
But the marketing pros (Nancy, Geoffrey, Mary, Larry and Fern) advised (strongly) against
it. We said, “Oh, you wanna throw down, Bro? You think you marketing geeks can come up
with something better, you marketing monkey-brains?” and they were like, “Uh..yeah! That’s
what you hired us for, duh-h-h. So let us do our frikkin’ jobs!”
So we did. And they came up with something way better:
“ Stoopid Kardz® — quite possibly the rudest, most outrageous, tasteless and
gloriously inappropriate greeting cards on the planet.”
Then we fired them for being such know-it-all a-holes. But their tagline rings true – just take a
look at the 60-second video to see how people (the ones that gave us permission to show them
on camera; all you others can get bent) react to a Stoopid Kard when they seem’ em for the
Visit the web site at www.stoopidkardz.com to see them all!
There’s no cliché welcome thing there.
A spokesperson for Stoopid Kardz has just announced that the entire line
of kardz will be retooled to be 100% solar-powered by July of 2018. Billybaby
Buggybumpers, head of Stoopid Kardz R&D division, in a statement to
the press, stated, “Like most companies, we’ve relied on non-sustainable
fossil fuels for too long. This extends to our entire consumer base.
When someone gets one of our kardz, they just naturally use gasoline to
drench and burn it. We at Stoopid Kardz are encouraging everyone to use a
magnifying glass – the power of the sun – to destroy our kardz.
But what about solar powered kardz? Buggybumpers addressed that issue as
well: “When you recieve a Stoopid Kard, instead of reading it indoors in
the evening when you have to turn on the lights, go outside during the day
and read it by the light of the sun. You’ll save fractions of a cent on your
annual electric bill!
Stoopid Kardz ain’t afraid to get a little confrontational now and then, see?
Yeah, confrontational, see? We’re hittin’ the festivals and flea markets, see?
And all you mugs are laughin’ yerselves silly over the kardz, see? And then
comes the kicker – some of youse are sproutin’ feathers and scratchin’ yer beaks
in the dirt, makin’ with the cluckin’ sounds. Some of youse are chickenin’
out! Hey…what the…hey? What’re the kardz, too politically incorrect? Cluck
that! Ain’t nothin’ political about Stoopid Kardz. They’re just STOOPID!
Hey, to give someone a Stoopid Kard takes guts, see? It takes moxie and plenty
of it. Yer friends’ll thank you for a Stoopid Kard because finally – they got
a friend who’s got major Cajones who gives ‘em a kard with major “Ka-Joneys.”
So grow some “Ko-honeeze” yerself and give all the special someones in yer
Stoopid Kardz for every occasion – before YOU sprout feathers and start
We just found out that stoats are a kind of weasel. And we also found out
that everybody pretty much hates weasels. They really frikkin’ skeeve people
out. Plus, we just tried to train one, you know, for a cute video – and we
found out the hard way that stoats are really un-hygienic and they leave
their poops all over the place and they make a huge mess when they feed
because their technique is to leap on their prey (birds, rabbits, mice, moles,
reptiles) and bite through the backs of their skulls! (Okay, that last part
is kind of cool but it’s not the kind of thing you can let some guy in a
stoat mascot suit do during public appearances).
So, scrap the dang stoat. Our mascot search continues…
So many companies and products have some sort of character/mascot. Y’know,
all kinds of sports teams have them, and different cereals and other junk,
like the bee for Honey Nut Cheerios, and Uncle Ben for rice and Betty Crocker
for cakes and stuff and that scary frozen-faced fake head Burger King and the
Geico gekko. So, heck, why not Stupid Kardz? We’re going to scour the world
for the perfect mascot – an irresistible something-or-other that will spread
the questionable good will and crappy values that Stoopid Kardz stands for.
Let the search begin! … Wow! We found our first candidate already!
How about this?…
C’mon kids, get yer pencils out! (Anybody still use pencils these days?) Here’s a fun game
to play and the winner will receive… nothing. Nada. What-do-you-think, we give stuff away
for free? Hm, probably it wasn’t the smartest thing to do, telling you you don’t get zilch
for playing this game. Hey, but it creates awareness about Stoopid Kardz. That’s what our marketing team keeps telling us we have to do: create awareness. Just to show you we’re all
in this together, we’ll play, too. Here goes: Stupid. Stoopid. Stoupid. Stouppid. Stewpid. Steupid. Stuppid. Stuupid. Stupidd. Stewpidd. Steupidd. Stooooooooooooooooooopid.
man, what a waste of time! Screw this.
Hey! All aboard the Stoopid Express! Hurry up! Everybody else in the world is already
on board and waiting for you! It’s going to be a heckuvva trip, just you wait and
see. C’mon, don’t be the only one left behind. What’s that you say? You don’t have a
ticket? No big whoop! Nobody does! All you need is …no, not love – let me finish.
All you need is to promise that you’ll make every effort to LAUGH, REALLY LAUGH
no matter what may be up ahead on the tracks. If you can’t get on board with that,
we’ll sell you a ticket for a million dollars and you can ride anyway.